Carrie Fisher once said, “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
As you may have read in an earlier post, I was hospitalized in May for suicidal ideation. The past few months been really rough and I let my brain trick me into thinking that I’m a burden, that those I love would be better off without me, and that I am unworthy of love and belonging. While I was in the hospital, I finished reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. I would like to share some quotes from it that really helped me gain some perspective.
“I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.”
“Like Westley from The Princess Bride who said, ‘Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.’ “
“Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid; missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. Having such little faith in myself that I numb or hide or consume my way out of my fiery feelings again and again. So my goal is to stop abandoning myself– and stay. To trust that I’m strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming.”
These quotes (and many more from Untamed) helped me reframe things. Yes, I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. But I can either continue to try to fight that pain or give in, surrender, and trust myself. When I sat with it for a while, what my self told me is that I should go to a residential treatment center (RTC) for my mental health. It isn’t easy. It is brutal and painful and difficult. It will be roughly 80 days away from the family I love and the friends I count on for support. But if not now, when? Getting laid off sucked. It was sad and disappointing and it hurt. But it allowed me to stay on unemployment through the end of July. Which means I don’t have to look for a job right away while I figure stuff out. Which means I actually have the time to dedicate to myself and my mental health right now.